Aren’t polyamorous people jealous?

November 1st, 2020

Most people think of one question when they hear about polyamory for the first time:

“But aren’t you jealous?”

We seriously believe that there is no single person on earth that doesn’t own the emotion “jealousy”. Unless maybe your brain is sadly defected in the limbic system (the part of the brain that is responsible for emotional responses). Aside from this, every human being normally owns the same capabilities to feel the same emotions. Though some maybe feel or express emotions differently and in different intensities.

So, you probably need to rephrase the question and ask:

“Aren’t the emotions of jealousy more intense in polyamorous relationships?”

We actually don’t know. We believe there hasn’t been a survey yet on that topic. So, we cannot say, whether polyamorous people are more jealous than monogamous.

What we believe is that polyamorous are good at using tools that minimize jealousy. We are talking about communication, trust, setting boundaries and having a strong commitment to those boundaries. Denying emotions usually makes emotions grow stronger. So, it is important to acknowledge the emotions and talk to your partners about what you feel. When it comes to setting boundaries, polyamorous people have no rules from society, so we need to talk through many scenarios. We are talking about romantic relationships, intimacy and long-time arrangements with our partners. We get to know all the desires of our partners and try to find compromises that everybody is comfortable with.

Polyamory ebook: Dealing with jealousy

Jealousy unspoken

Polyamorous people communicate feelings, so normally there are seldom things unspoken. Of course there still is the possibility of one partner not being ethical, cheating and disregarding the boundaries, but the possibility is minimized by adopting honest communication within the relationship.
If you don’t talk to your partner, you only can guess what your partner might desire. Often your fears can be stronger than the reality. Being afraid makes jealousy grow stronger.

So, our key to become less jealous is communication and setting boundaries. The other key is building trust, so we believe that our partners accept our boundaries. Trust has to be built up by little steps and grows with proven commitment.

Insights from our ebook “Dealing with jealousy

Following some sentences from our ebook, on how to rethink jealousy. Don’t use jealousy as a tool to show love, protect, or strengthen your relationship. There are better ways to do the job.

If you or your partner(s) have a hard time setting boundaries or finding compromises in your relationship, we recommend you our first ebook “dealing with jealousy” with in depth questions to work on as a single, in a monogamous relationship or in open relationships.

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Fabian, Nicole and Chris from Real Polylife